What Would You Think Of Me Now?
by Arcane Desires
Summary: Clove won the games, but she doesn't feel like it was winning at all. She watched Cato die, by her own hands and at his command, because he was dying anyway. But living with the consequences isn't as easy as they said it would be. Clove doesn't know how to live without Cato, but in a way, she's not. He's still there all the time and to keep herself from losing it, she talks to him.


**A/N: Yes this is probably incredibly OOC at least for the most part, some parts maybe not so much and no I don't really care at all. I was listening to the song Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World and the idea just sprang into my mind. I had to write it and honestly I kinda like it. I wanted it this way and if you expect Clove to be all RAWR! and angry and crazy in this one, well sorry she's not. I felt depressed, I wrote depressed stuff, the end.**

**But still, hopefully someone will like this even if it isn't remotely IC really, because as sad as it makes me, I really love it myself. As always, dedicated to my beloved LovelyAche for bringing me Clato love in the first place. (Deliberate OOCness, Songfic)**

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**There's no one in town I know, You gave us some place to go, I never said thank you for that, 'thought I might get one more chance,**

I don't know anyone here anymore. I see them, I talk to them and I remember everything about them, but I don't KNOW them. I wonder if I ever did. My parents, our friends, our trainers… They're not the people I knew, I'll never know them.

And they will never know me, not anymore. The only person who ever knew me was you and you are forever out of reach now.

Without you there's nowhere to go, nothing to do, but exist. I know you told me to live for the both us when you made me end it for you, but I can't. I can exist and I can be here, but I can't LIVE. It's too hard now. At first I managed it, I think. But it's getting harder and harder to keep going on like that.

You gave me everything and I never once even cared enough to say thank you.

I took your fucking life Cato! YOU made me do that and I just went with it because you were dying anyway and I couldn't watch that any longer. I couldn't see you brought so low before me. It hurt and I was ashamed for you and when you hissed at me to do it… I didn't stop, I gave you what you wanted for the first and last time ever.

How ironic that I never gave you what you wanted or needed until it came to death. You always said I was a bitch, but that I was your bitch. I think you were wrong Cato, I was just a twisted little bitch and that's all there is to it.

I always thought I'd have all the chances in the world to tell you the things I want to say to you, but in the end we didn't have that chance. We were too busy just saying goodbye and I really fucking hate that Cato, I hate it so much.

**What would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, so proud, I never said thank you for that, Now I'll never have a chance**

I wonder all the time you know… What you think of me, what you see when you look at me from where ever you are. I have everything we ever wanted, could ever want. I won, I made it home, but it's all hollow without you. So tell me, give me some sign so I know what you think.

People still tell me every day how lucky I am, how strong… My parents told me how proud they are of me… But I'm only all those things because of you, because of what you made me. It wasn't my parents, the trainers at the centre, the Capitol… It was always only you.

You picked me up when I was weak, guided me to be quick and strong, you showed me what it was to be proud of myself for the first time. And you were so proud of me when I learned how to throw a knife and hit my target weren't you? Even more so when I learned how to tackle someone larger to the ground and hold them there. How to WIN.

And I never gave you any true thanks for that either did I? I was horrible to you Cato. Vicious, cold and cruel… All those things you loved and yet they were never any good for you. But you kept coming back for more and whispering to me that they were what made me so special, so desirable to you.

It's been a while Cato, but I still wish to hell I could be stronger for you, live for you, but I still don't know how. Maybe time really does heal, but I'm still doubting that. I still think it's pure bullshit and I know you would too.

**May angels lead you in, Hear you me my friends, On sleepless roads, the sleepless go, May angels lead you in**

I don't sleep properly anymore. Haven't done in so long and when I'm feeling sleepless I go to our tree and think. I just watch the stars and try not to forgot what you looked like, what you smelled like, what you felt like when you held me. And when I'm feeling particularly tired, I do what I keep doing, what I'm doing now… I talk to you.

I'm starting to sound more and more like you every day you know. Even your parents have commented tearfully on how much I remind them of you now. I don't know if it's because I miss you like crazy or if it's because of what's inside me or if it's something else altogether.

And I don't mean inside my mind, I'm still sure, as is everyone else, that I went over the ledge a long time ago. I mean that…

Fuck it Cato, I'm pregnant! I should be able to say this so easily, because I'm just talking to the air right? But I'm not, I'm talking to you and I know you're still here. Did you know about this? I'm certain, somehow, that you did.

I even wondered if you made this happen. But it must have happened before you died, so it can't be that.

If I was stupid and pathetic like the rest of the District seems to be lately, I'd think she was sent to me by an angel. Or that at least one is leading her into this world. That YOU are leading her in.

But do people like us ever get to be angels? Angels of death maybe I suppose, but true angels? You had the looks of one, of that I'm sure, but murderers don't get to be angelic now do they? No and it sucks so bad.

But now I know that I have one tiny part of you with me, inside of me. I guess this little angel will just have to be enough.

**So what would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, so proud, I never said thank you for that, Now I'll never have a chance**

Are you still out there Cato? Do you see how I've changed? Does it disgust you that I'm not your vicious girl anymore? Make you proud? Confuse you to watch my stomach grow? It confuses me, but I'm learning now. I've changed in so many ways.

I think I have anyway.

I'm starting to live now, really live I mean. I have to live, for her, for you, for myself. I feel strong, I have to be for her too. I have to face that I lost you oh so long ago, but I'm starting to hold my head up high finally.

I know we never planned this and I certainly never used to want it, but it feels like it was meant to be. Like it was luck that brought her to me.

I still think it was you somehow, but I'll go with luck I suppose.

Guess I should cut out all the damn swearing so I'm not doing that when she's around huh? But it makes me feel close to you and I never actually tried to do it in the first place. It just started happening, so maybe it was just how things were meant to go. Just like with her.

I can stand tall now, and even though it's too late for this, I want to thank you. I know you're sniggering at that one, stand tall, but obviously I don't mean literally smart ass.

I feel it though, finally. It's a relief I think, still getting used to this. But it's good. It's getting good again that is.

**May angels lead you in, Hear you me my friends, On sleepless roads the sleepless go, May angels lead you in**

She's survived so far, she's strong enough to live on her own now and the time is so close to that actually happening. I feel like that's yet another miracle you know. That she's still here, with me I mean.

After everything bad I did, I don't deserve this. I'm no sweet heavenly angel, we both know that's absolute crap, but I'm glad that something or someone saw fit to give her to me anyway. To give me something that didn't involve death and dismemberment for the first time.

I talk to her a lot now too. But you see that don't you? I'm more certain of it than ever. I know you're watching over me… Watching us and when I lie there, unable to sleep and rubbing my stomach because she's restless too, I can feel you there.

Your fingers moving over my skin, the rush of warmth as you move closer to me, the softness of your lips against mine. Hell, I can even feel the way your heavy body would press against me and pin me to the ground, the wall, the bed, wherever you wanted just so I would stop fighting you and let you be near me and hold me.

But most of all, I can feel that way you used to gaze at me when we were alone and naked, our bodies entwined and you'd make me feel like I was the only thing that ever meant anything to you. The look on your face would make me feel that even though I was horrid, I was worth something to you.

And I still get that feeling when I run my hands over my heavy belly and tell her about her impossibly strong father, how you were the one who deserved all this and that she should be proud of you when she grows up.

So I know you're keeping an eye on us. Me and her, your girls, the ones that you never really had until after you'd already gone. Life fucking sucks sometimes you know, but when I think of her, it's not so bad.

**And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time, A song for a heart so big, God couldn't let it live**

It's your birthday today. Do you know that? I know those things don't matter to you anymore, but it matters to me. I wish you were here with me now. I want to say it to you, to your face instead of to the empty air. So I'll say it to her I guess. It just seems silly to sing happy birthday to someone who's there, but not really there.

Hell it's stupid to sing it all considering who I am, but I figure you deserve to laugh on your birthday. I know you are. My cracked voice singing the most fucking stupid song I've ever heard… I never thought I'd do this but hell if I give a damn right now.

You would have been 19 today and god I'm so fucking pathetic I'm crying over that now. Only 19 years old and a father to a child born to you from a 16 year old girl. I would have kept her no matter what, I need you to know that before I go any further.

My mind won't stop you know, it keeps on bringing up memories of everything as I sing along to the radio now too. Growing up with you by my side, slaughtering in the arena like it didn't matter, you doing your damndest to protect me when you should have been looking after yourself… All of it swims across my vision.

It's my fault you died, because I let you give yourself up for me and that was the first time I'd ever seen you show a multitude of emotion. Rage, lust and amusement I was used to from you, but that day… Fear, sadness and love were what I saw, along with more that I can't name. And I only realised then that I'd been seeing them all along.

You'd been so different with me than you were with anyone else. You were still the same Cato, capable of killing with barely a touch, dangerous and bloodthirsty, but then I found out we were both capable of love too. You always had been, and I was only when it was too damn late for me to save you like you saved me.

She still needs a name you know. I haven't been able to come up with anything appropriate, but I have a feeling you already know what her name will be. I just wish you could tell me.

Anyway, though it seems to soothe her restlessness, I'm done singing to you and her now. Hope you enjoyed it and laughed your pretty boy ass off because I'm tired now. Stay with me ok? I need you tonight, I'm so tired.

**May angels lead you in, Hear you me my friends, Upon sleepless roads the sleepless go, May angels lead you in**

This hurts Cato, it fucking hurts so damn bad! I want to scream at you, shout and slap you for putting me through this agony. For making me feel this way. I know it's my fault really, but I still wish you were here so I could complain to you and tell you just how bloody bad it feels. And then maybe have you hold me and tell me it'll be ok

The nausea keeps sweeping through me, the pain ripping through my belly, but in a way it's good. Because it's happening Cato, over 9 months I've waited for this tiny being, this child that I'm still convinced (rather pathetically I might add) is some kind of angel, and she will be in my arms soon.

It's not the same as holding you, not even close and I want you more, but it's all I have or will ever have. So it has to be enough. Maybe I've gone mad, but I can feel you. I can hear you whispering nonsensical things into my ear, sweeping my sweaty hair back from my forehead.

I think I know why you're here now. I wondered if maybe you were supposed to be my guardian angel or something. I know, the most ridiculous damn thing you ever heard right?

Except, I'm not so sure it is ridiculous anymore. Because I don't think you're here for me, not fully anyway. It's her, it was always her. You led this tiny, precious miracle to me and you've stayed to watch over her haven't you?

Oh fuck I want to hate you for this, but at the same time I can never thank you enough for her, even if it hurts like hell. Breathing even hurts like shit right now, but… Oh god, it's finally done. She's here. Is she ok? Is she safe?

I can't tell, she's quiet and they've taken her away. I'm so tired, oh god I hope my sleepless nights haven't done something to her. I'm panicking now, I know this, but I can feel your hand on my shoulder, squeezing to tell me it's ok. But I don't know if it is Cato.

Her cry is ringing through my ears suddenly and it's the best sound I've ever heard. I know you're laughing at the way I'm smiling like an idiot, but I don't care, because we did that Cato, you and I. She's ours and she's ok. They're telling me she's ok and somehow, I just know you made sure of that.

**May angels lead you in, Hear you me my friends, On sleepless roads the sleepless , May angels lead you in**

I've finally settled on a name Cato. Your mother wanted something truly atrocious but I had to put my foot down. I'm sorry, but it was terrible and you know it.

I wasn't sure on my choices at first, I needed to know what she looked like, what she was like, before I gave her a definite name because what if I picked something that wasn't right?

And you can shut up right now, because I swear I can fucking hear you laughing at me for being one of those panicky, over protective mothers, but I had to get it right. I wanted to wait until I found the right name and now I know I have.

Holding her in my arms like this, feeling her warm little body pressed close to me, it's yet another miracle I never thought I'd see. Less than a year ago, I would have scoffed at even calling her that, been sickened by it even, but now… It's simply the truth.

She looks like you of course, somehow I just knew she would. They say she's small, but tough like me. But her looks are almost completely you.

Sandy blonde hair, almost golden looking skin, small intense eyes… They say her eyes could change, all babies have the same kind of eyes at first, but somehow I'm just sure hers will be bright blue.

But there's a splatter of freckles across her chubby little face and I know you can see my nose wrinkling at that. Of all the things she could inherit from me, she had to get those damnable freckles. It's not fucking funny you know! Ergh, but you want to know her name don't you? Even though I'm sure you know it anyway, I'll tell you.

It's Malaika. Seriously, stop fucking laughing right now you shit. I can hear you, I really can. I know it's kinda pathetic and funny considering the meaning of her name, but it's what she reminds me of. She reminds me of a cherub, a sleeping little angel and also of you. Malaika, my little angel.

She could almost be a carbon copy of you at the moment, your mum told me she looks just how you did at birth. Babies just look like babies, but somehow she still looks like you did. It comforts me to know that. It makes it all real somehow.

I won't have as much time as I used to, to just be able to sit there and talk to you as often as I do. But you know this too don't you? I have her to think about now and to actually take care of.

But I think it's about time I learn to live on my own isn't it? That's what you've been waiting for, for her to be born and for me to finally learn to live through this instead of just existing.

Angels brought her to me, gave me a small piece of you to keep with me always and I promise I'll keep her safe.

I know you will too, I know that even though I've learned to cope, your work isn't done. Because now you have to watch her grow, watch me continue to grow with her and to keep her safe from what we went through.

Things are beginning to change all over and somehow, I think now that might just be possible by the time it matters. Your daughter's birth seems to be a catalyst for so many things. Guess she knows how to make an entrance just like her father huh?

This isn't goodbye Cato, I'm still here and so are you, in some way, this is simply me living for her now. She has to be more important, she's everything to me now, but I'll always think of you and I'll always know when you're here.

They say the games change you and it's true. But it was YOU that changed me Cato, for the better. I'm a person, not a twisted little machine anymore. I was broken and you fixed me, even in death you repaired the broken parts and replaced the ones you couldn't fix with something newer… Better.

So while I may not do this as often as I did before, I won't ever forget you. I can't. You're here every time I look into her beautiful face, you're beside me every step of the way and I want to thank you and tell you that I know now, not even death can erase love once you've found it.

Because I love you and no matter how I grow and change, I know you know that will be the one constant in my life, just like you always were. That love may change as time goes on, and maybe one day it'll be moved to make room for a new love, but it will always remain in some form, of that I'm certain.

Watch over us while we sleep ok? Because I think I can finally rest properly now. I finally said all those things I should have done long ago and thanks to the both of you, I finally remember what it's like to care for someone other than myself.

Goodnight Cato…


End file.
